The Dark Space Where My Heart Used to Be
by ladymorgaine76
Summary: After the ambush at Distna and while in Isard's custody, Tycho Celchu struggles to deal with Wes Janson's loss...


The dark space where my heart used to be... LadyMorgaine76 Summary: After being captured by Isard, following the ambush at Distna, Rogue Squadron his left to deal with the loss of their pilots.  
Tycho, believing like the others that Wes is among those who perished, is trying to deal with fact that he's gone.  
Introspection and grief. I'm having a go a writing this from Tycho's point of view...first person narration!

Work Text:

 _ _This is what happens when i'm listening to Mahler...__

 _ _I get moody and my imagination runs wild!__

 _ _There is no work, no story that shows what was going through__

 _ _Tycho's mind, while believing Wes Janson to be dead...__

 _ _Probably because I'm the only weirdo__

 _ _that his obsessed with those two falling in love!"__

I do believe I'm dead...my body just hasn't catch up with my condition yet...

I am again a "guest" of Iceheart! How didn't we realise the whole Distna affair was nothing more than a ruse to wipe out Rogue Squadron from the Galaxy?

We were supposed to be better than this! You don't survive for almost 10 years in the rebellion, just by being lucky, flying straight and shooting accurately!

And yet...here we are! Trapped in this facility, cornered by Ysanne Isard, having to cooperate with her to eliminate Krennel and (and i still can't get my head around this...) Isard's clone!

As if it wasn't bad to find out that I actually didn't take Isard down on Thyferra and that she's been alive all this time, now we're told that she has a clone!

Kriffin' brilliant...

Wedge is trying his best to keep us as a unit, and keep us hoping we have a chance to get out of here alive...the rest of us anyway...

What was supposed to be a snoop and scoot mission, with the rest of us backing up Nrin, had suddenly turned into a slaughter.

Four pilots...

We lost four pilots...

Asyr, Khe-Jeen, Lyyr...and Wes...

Wes is gone...

Wes is gone...

The thought creeps back into my mind, and again I feel something like panic seeping into my veins. I keep reliving that awful moment in my mind.

I was there, I saw it happening, and there was nothing I could do. Absolutely nothing.

I saw the concussion missile hitting his X-Wing...I saw the rear explode and Wes floating off into space...he's dead...Oh Gods, he's dead...

Control the breathing...close my eyes...don't give in to it! Not here! I won't give that bitch the satisfaction to see me break! I'm pretty sure she's got holocams installed in our quarters. Watching us. Controlling us. Looking for a sign of weakness. No way I'll give her a show to watch!

So I keep the pain I'm feeling in check.

I lost the love of my life...and no one knows about it.

He knew. He was not a dumb blind guy, and spending two years as roommates, no matter how much I tried to downplay it, my feelings for him became somewhat obvious to him. Besides, he'd caught me staring at him on the Rec Room, back on Hoth. It was late in the night, we had just returned from a watch and we were positively freezing! So we hit the Rec Room for the a warm cup of a substance that remotely resembled caf and we joined some guys in a Sabaacc game...which I lost, of course! Wes went to the counter to get another mug of lum, and there he was...leaning on the counter...and there I was...checking his round ass! Gods, what a nice, sexy round ass! My heart rate increased, and I stood there leering at Wes, my hyperactive imagination working overtime, picturing all the things I'd like the owner of that ass, to do to me!

Suddenly, like if he had somehow felt my eyes on him, Wes turned his head and calmly looked straight into my eyes. Expressionless brown eyes on a rigidly set face..

He turned on his heels and walked the distance between both of us. Stood there looking at me, and signalled me to get up.

 _ _" Follow me will ya, blondie? You and I need to have a nice chat..."__

The "chat" had not been as bad I had actually feared ( I still remembered quite well both of us coming to blows, and me ending up against a wall with one of his hands around my neck, and the other balled into a fist coming the general direction of my face!). But it did serve for him to get the point across that he was not interested in men.

Got to handle it to him. He never once treated me different because of my bisexuality! He also kept his lips sealed about it and we developed a good friendship along the years.

I tried forgetting about my feelings for me in Winter's arms. I really did...but to no avail.

She knows about him. she got it out of me anyway...with a whip...and a paddle... and cuffs...

Not even the memory of our meetings in CorSex are able to drag me out this dark place that I find myself in. Because Wes is gone forever, and there's no one sithspawned thing I can do about it! I can scream, cry, tear my heart out as much as I want! He won't be back, he'll never be back...

 ** **"We've made runs looking for survivors, but we find no traces."****

Colonel Vessery's words still ring in my ears, like a cruel joke...

It's been the four of us since those days in Yavin 4. We've survived for so long...Of course we knew one day our number could be up. But Wes? If there someone I thought would go through all of this and manage to survive this ongoing war, that would be Wes Janson! Baby-faced, Lady Chaser, Prankster King, Grand Master Ewok... I believed he would always be there. My crazy friend, the guy who made sure I remembered that he was not into me anyway, but seemed to rather enjoy keeping at arm's length.

The memory of his smile haunts me, the eternal joker's twinkle in his hazel-brown eye haunts me. I close my eyes and i see his broad-shouldered frame, the loose curls of his dark brown hair, the musky scent that always seemed to cling to him, that beautiful Taanabian accent he has...had...

My eyes burn and I clench my fists angrily. It's Isard's fault! And Krennel's...we have to find a way to get the hell out here and make them pay! Someone has to answer for Wes' death! For all of them!

I'm tired...I'm so tired of it all. Chances are we're not getting out of this alive anyway. But if I can take Isard down with me, I'll feel a whole lot better. And then I can die, if that's what's waiting for me at end of this mess...

Do they not know, back on Coruscant? I wonder... Poor Winter, she thinks I'm dead, again...

Not that she loves me, really. There's no love involved, though we tried. Just two broken people trying to get through the motions together. Using each other as shields against the pain of our screwed up sentimental lives...maybe, if I don't get out of here, she'll have the chance and the courage to go to Thyferra and give herself the a second chance at love. After all, Bror is not Dallan...

I hope someone get's the word to Wes' family back in Taanab. It's not fair for Mia and the girls not to know what happened to him. I met her once, she's got the same eyes as Wes has...had...Oh hell, I can't do this! I just can't accept his death!

I feel like I'm drowning. Or maybe I'm just going mad. A feeling of numbness is washing over me, making me feel sick to my stomach. My mind keeps grasping at his memory, like holo images from the past...

His childish pranks at Hoth. Him rushing to me as I'm frantically awaking from yet another nightmare, holding me and calming me down. his face laughing hysterically while i'm trying to do my best at being absolutely mad at him, pointing at my now glittery purple hair.

" _ _Looks good on ya, don't ya think?"__

Looking after him, after Wes crashed on Cilpar. The stream of brawls we caused on nameless bars in shady systems.

The kiss on Endor...sometimes it's like I can still feel his soft, full lips on mine! Sure it was just a bet, but Gods the taste of his mouth...

"Lights will go out in twenty minutes."

The artificial voice announces over the PA. Everyday is like this. We have a defined schedule for everything around here. After all, we are but prisoners...

I'm not even hungry, so I can leave that ration bar for tomorrow.

I change silently and slide into the sheets. I lay down, looking at ceiling. I feel hollow...I miss Wes so much...It's like there's this dark space in my chest...where my should be.

Lights finally go out and roll to the side, hoping for sleep to come...

Wes...

Why did it have to be you?

Wes...

...I love you...

I allow myself to drown in the pain. The tears flow steadily. I keep myself silent as cry myself to sleep.

 _ _Wes...wait for me...__


End file.
